What the F?

For some people hearing the F word is very triggering. I have spent the past few months speaking to women of different ages, professions and backgrounds about failure. What does failure mean to them, how does failing feel, what are their greatest failures and which are still ongoing. These conversations have been fascinating and I look forward to sharing more with you but the most striking thing so far is the physical reaction to the word.

Why does failing feel so bad?

No one enjoys failing but we all do it, every single day. We have all programmed our brains to categories some mistakes as simple errors not even worth noticing (for example the amount of spelling mistakes and typos I've made so far in this paragraph alone) and some as FAILURE!

We do that because true failure has a physiological reaction. Our bodies recognise failure as a risk to our safety. Deep in our brain is a very clever little area called the amygdala and this little supercomputer is responsible for our emotions, however it is incapable of telling the difference between accidently sending a questionable message to the wrong Teams chat and a lion breaking the door down. Danger is danger, fear is fear. Our human brain is the part responsible for talking our amygdala back down from the edge, for explaining there is no lion.

To our amygdala, when we fail we risk being ostracised from our tribe, we risk being shunned and left alone to find shelter and food. This is unlikely to happen because we forgot to send a meeting invite or missed a deadline. Its unlikely to happen when we (inevitably) let down our children by missing an important school event, when we argue with friends or when we fumble through a presentation at work.

We are programmed to notice the negative. It keeps us safe.

So how do I embrace it?

Some of the women I have spent time with talk about how they have learned to embrace their mistakes, to see failure as a fast route to learning. This is a learned response, your amygdala is still going to scream LION but the human brain can quickly review what happened. The human sees the possiblities, they reframe the failure.

Its not "I'm a failure because I didnt win the race", it becomes "Wow, I finished the race! I wonder what I can improve next time"

It takes practice

The next time you fail, notice your physiological responce, recognise your animal brain keeping you safe from harm and the explore. Ask the most important question you can ask at the point of failure - What did I learn?