The helpful tightrope

What is helpfulness?

What does it mean to be helpful? I think all of us would like to be described as helpful. That’s why we hold doors for strangers, return our trollies at the supermarket and ask “what can I do to help” whenever we see a friend in need. As a mother I try to instil the virtue of helpfulness in my kids and they love to do it. They’re always keen to help me in anyway they can, even putting down their tablets or toys to do it.

When you look in the dictionary the definition is very light. “An adjective meaning to be useful”.  Its list of synonyms is even more enlightening; obliging, useful, beneficial, supportive, accommodating, ready to lend a hand. But the real power is in its antonym – unhelpful.

In the workplace

I can say with confidence that we’ve all worked with unhelpful people, the ones who don’t reply to emails, who schedule things over lunch breaks and refused to share their findings. It’s not that they’re rude, it’s not that they stop you from being able to work… they just make it harder.

I can also say with confidence that at some point in your career you have been unhelpful. Somewhere there is at least one ex (or maybe even current) colleague is thinking of you as unhelpful. Doesn’t feel nice does it? But it’s true.

Helpfulness is powerful. That’s why we have so many phrases for it. “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” “I owe you one” “to lend a hand” or “the good Samaritan”, we know as a society that helpfulness matters. It is the oil in the engine, without it the whole thing would grind to a halt.

Finding the balance

There is a balance to be had however. I have spent months watching workplace interactions, listening to side of the desk gossip, reading employee recognition emails and chatting to coaches, counsellors and teachers. I’ve watched my kids play together and argue, always with my mind on helpfulness.

What I’ve noticed is how the inability to effectively say “no” often leads to begrudging helpfulness. “I don’t really have time for this but they asked for my help”-helpfulness. Too much of this leads to resentment very easily. “They’re asking for more again, don’t they know I’m busy” situations are frequent and not useful for anyone. Especially as women in the workplace, school runs and homes, we are encouraged (or programmed) by society to say yes, to help, to prove our usefulness, to not cause offence.

Over the years, the topic I have been asked to coach more than any other has been, at its root, the ability to say no, to be unhelpful. There is a balance to be had, how to help without sacrificing yourself. How to help without becoming resentful. How to say no and help simultaneously.

No but…

Sometimes people need your help; its urgent, they cant find the information themselves, they don’t have the experience or they are feeling overwhelmed. But there are also times when teaching them to fish is better than cooking them a meal. Identifying when its ok to say “no, but….” is an incredibly powerful tool. I can’t give you that report but I can show you where to find it, I cant attend that meeting but I can read your notes, I cant speak to that person for you but I will be a sounding board for you. This balance will empower them and free up your time.

In a nutshell

Being helpful is powerful, creating a helpful team environment can make your companies engine run more smoothly, encouraging helpfulness is others is a great thing to do.

But, don’t drown in your desire to help. Saying no is helping too.